The final week of 2024 in the Sunday Coed League brought out the best (and occasionally the worst) in teams desperate to make a late-season push. Whether you love dazzling goals, defensive disasters, or hilariously chaotic moments, Week 8 had it all. Let’s dive into the action!

Serb Patrol vs Un-zippers: 5 – 9

The Un-zippers must have made some New Year’s resolutions early because they looked like a team reborn. Their normally leaky defense finally tightened up (relatively speaking), and their offense found its groove against a shell-shocked Serb Patrol.

One highlight came when an Un-zippers player attempted a daring bicycle kick, missed the ball entirely, and still managed to distract the Serb Patrol goalkeeper enough for a teammate to score. Serb Patrol kept things close in the first half, but their second-half performance was more “patrol” than “Serb,” as the Un-zippers ran away with the win.

Arse ‘N All vs Chill FC: 3 – 9

Chill FC continues to prove they’re anything but chill when it comes to demolishing their opponents. Arse ‘N All showed brief flashes of promise, including a beautifully worked team goal that had their bench celebrating like they’d won the league. Unfortunately, those moments were few and far between, as Chill FC’s high-pressure attack overwhelmed them.

The game’s comedic highlight occurred when an Arse ‘N All defender attempted a clearance that ricocheted off the back of a teammate’s head and into their own net. Chill FC gleefully accepted the gift and went on to add insult to injury with three more goals in the final 10 minutes.

Jaguars vs Wasted Talent: 9 – 3

The Jaguars continued their predator-like dominance, tearing through Wasted Talent with ease. From the opening whistle, it was clear the Jaguars were on a mission, scoring two goals in the first three minutes and never letting up.

Wasted Talent, for their part, lived up to their name in frustrating fashion. Their attack showed flashes of brilliance, but their defense resembled a sieve, allowing the Jaguars to stroll into the penalty area at will. The game’s funniest moment came when a Wasted Talent forward celebrated prematurely, thinking they’d scored, only for the ball to bounce off the post and roll harmlessly out of bounds.

Zubri’s vs Cleats & Cleavage: 6 – 10

Cleats & Cleavage remain undefeated, but Zubri’s didn’t make it easy for them. The match was a high-scoring thriller, with both teams trading goals in the first half like they were playing a game of FIFA on beginner mode.

Cleats & Cleavage ultimately pulled away thanks to their clinical finishing and what can only be described as a “shenanigans-free” defense. Zubri’s, meanwhile, will rue their missed chances, including a penalty kick that was so off-target it nearly hit the scoreboard. Despite the loss, Zubri’s showed they can hang with the league’s best—if only they could stop gifting goals.

Pitch Pirates vs A Really Bad Team: 6 – 8

In a game that felt like a Hollywood underdog story gone slightly off script, A Really Bad Team edged out the winless Pitch Pirates in a chaotic barnburner. Both teams seemed determined to outdo each other in defensive miscues, leading to a goal-fest that left spectators both entertained and confused.

The Pirates showed heart, scoring twice in quick succession to tie the game at 6-6 late in the second half. But A Really Bad Team lived up to their newly minted “slightly better” reputation, scoring two scrappy goals to seal the victory. The postgame handshakes were reportedly accompanied by a spirited discussion about whose defense was worse.

Old and Fancy vs Nameless: 14 – 0

It was a tough day for Nameless, who were completely outclassed by the clinical efficiency of Old and Fancy. From start to finish, Old and Fancy looked like a team on a mission, scoring at will and dominating every aspect of the game.

Nameless, for their part, spent most of the match chasing shadows and occasionally each other. The game’s standout moment came when an Old and Fancy midfielder executed a perfectly timed nutmeg that left a Nameless defender so disoriented they accidentally ran off the field. Old and Fancy now look like a serious title contender, while Nameless may want to consider a team retreat—or therapy.

Latin@s vs Team Dauberman: 10 – 4

In the upset of the week, Latin@s delivered a stunning performance to topple Team Dauberman, who came into the match heavily favored. Latin@s played with flair and confidence, dominating possession and scoring some absolute screamers from long range.

Team Dauberman, meanwhile, looked completely out of sorts, with their usually reliable defense falling apart under pressure. The match featured one of the funniest own goals of the season, as a Dauberman defender accidentally backheeled the ball into their net while trying to clear it. Latin@s celebrated like it was New Year’s Eve, while Dauberman left the field looking like they’d just seen a ghost.

Final Thoughts

Week 8 was a fitting end to 2024 for the Sunday Coed League, delivering goals, drama, and more than a few laugh-out-loud moments. With only a few weeks left in the regular season, the playoff race is heating up. Can Cleats & Cleavage stay perfect? Will Nameless rediscover their mojo? And are the Pitch Pirates destined to sail the winless seas forever?

One thing’s for sure: the league is as unpredictable as ever, and we can’t wait to see what 2025 brings. Until then, happy New Year, soccer fans!

The holidays are here, but that didn’t stop the Sunday Coed League from delivering its usual mix of chaos, comedy, and (questionable) athletic prowess. Week 7 saw blowouts, upsets, and enough goals to fill Santa’s sleigh. Let’s unwrap the action!

Nameless vs A Really Bad Team: 5 – 7

In a battle of inconsistency versus chaos, A Really Bad Team managed to not live up to their name—at least for a day. Nameless, despite their identity crisis, held their own with clever passing and moments of brilliance, but it wasn’t enough to stop A Really Bad Team from pulling off the win.

The highlight of the game came in the second half when an A Really Bad Team player attempted what can only be described as a “windmill bicycle kick.” It missed spectacularly, but the ensuing confusion allowed a teammate to tap in the easiest goal of the season. Nameless, meanwhile, missed several golden opportunities and spent more time yelling at each other than playing defense.

Un-zippers vs Latin@s: 5 – 2

The Un-zippers finally zipped up their defense, and the result was a convincing win over Latin@s. This game was all about grit, determination, and one Un-zippers striker who seemingly decided that every shot needed to be from midfield. Miraculously, one of those wild efforts actually went in, drawing cheers and disbelief in equal measure.

Latin@s struggled to find their rhythm, with their only two goals coming from defensive miscues by the Un-zippers. Despite the loss, Latin@s provided plenty of entertainment, including an audacious backheel attempt that missed the ball entirely, resulting in an unintentional self-meg.

Jaguars vs Arse ‘N All: 14 – 3

This one was over faster than a New Year’s resolution. The Jaguars came out roaring, scoring five goals in the first 10 minutes and never looking back. Arse ‘N All, still winless on the season, looked as though they’d been gift-wrapped for the Jaguars, who pounced on every mistake with predatory precision.

The match featured the season’s most creative goal celebration: a Jaguars player reenacted the famous “Lion King” Simba lift after scoring their fourth goal. Arse ‘N All did manage a few moments of magic, including a long-range stunner that had everyone clapping, but it was too little, too late.

[REDACTED] vs Serb Patrol: 4 – 11

Serb Patrol stormed into this game like they were leading an actual patrol, dismantling [REDACTED] with ruthless efficiency. [REDACTED] put up a valiant fight early on, keeping the game close at halftime, but their defense collapsed in the second half under relentless pressure.

Serb Patrol’s standout moment came when one player dribbled through three defenders before calmly slotting the ball into the bottom corner. [REDACTED] responded by accidentally passing the ball directly to the same player, who graciously accepted the gift and scored again. At this point, [REDACTED] may want to consider renaming themselves to “Under Construction.”

Cleats & Cleavage vs Wasted Talent: 15 – 1

This was less a soccer game and more a public exhibition of dominance. Cleats & Cleavage came into this match undefeated and showed no mercy, dismantling Wasted Talent in a performance that can only be described as “ruthless festive cheer.”

Wasted Talent’s lone goal came via a deflected clearance, which led to cheers of mock triumph from their bench. Cleats & Cleavage, meanwhile, showcased why they’re the league’s best, scoring from every conceivable angle, including a header off a corner that looked straight out of a professional highlight reel. Wasted Talent’s postgame meeting reportedly consisted of the phrase, “Well, at least we tried.”

Zubri’s vs Pitch Pirates: 15 – 6

Zubri’s made their case for most dangerous offense in the league with an absolute demolition of the Pitch Pirates. The game was entertaining, but only if you enjoy watching one team get repeatedly outclassed.

The Pitch Pirates’ defensive strategy—best described as “every man for himself”—left Zubri’s attackers with acres of space to work with. Zubri’s took full advantage, scoring several highlight-reel goals, including a scorpion kick that sent the crowd into hysterics. The Pirates, to their credit, kept fighting and even scored a few consolation goals, but it was clear their ship had sailed long before the final whistle.

Chill FC vs Old and Fancy

In what was supposed to be a clash of titans, Chill FC and Old and Fancy squared off in the day’s most anticipated matchup. Unfortunately, the result remains a mystery because both teams allegedly decided to embrace the holiday spirit by engaging in an on-field caroling session instead of playing.

Reports indicate that the ref eventually awarded the game to Old and Fancy by forfeit after Chill FC’s goalkeeper refused to stop singing “Jingle Bells” long enough to resume play. While fans were disappointed by the lack of actual soccer, they were treated to a rousing rendition of “All I Want for Christmas Is Goals” by both teams.

Final Thoughts

Week 7 had everything: blowouts, bizarre moments, and even a musical interlude. With the season winding down, the playoff picture is starting to take shape, and the pressure is mounting. Can Cleats & Cleavage stay perfect? Will the Pitch Pirates ever find treasure? And will [REDACTED] figure out what they’re doing before the season ends?

One thing’s for sure: the Sunday Coed League is the gift that keeps on giving. See you next week for more drama, hilarity, and unforgettable soccer!

Week 5 of the Sunday Coed League at Akron Indoor Soccer was everything we hoped for and more—an endless buffet of thrilling finishes, comedic errors, and a mountain of goals. The battle lines were drawn, but as always, the action on the field proved wildly unpredictable. From dominant displays to nail-biting finishes, let’s break down all the madness.

Un-zippers (0-4) vs Old and Fancy (4-0) 5 – 10

Old and Fancy may be old, but their play is as polished as a pair of vintage loafers. The Un-zippers, still hunting for their first win, came out swinging with three early goals, briefly making fans wonder if this might finally be their day. Spoiler: it wasn’t. Old and Fancy regrouped and unleashed a second-half masterclass, outscoring the Un-zippers 7-1 after halftime.

One standout moment came when an Old and Fancy midfielder executed a perfectly timed rainbow flick over an Un-zippers defender, who responded by simply staring into the distance as though questioning all his life choices. Despite their loss, the Un-zippers celebrated a moral victory: they managed to avoid a blowout and only unzipped their defense six times.

A Really Bad Team (3-2) vs Jaguars (4-1) 6 – 8

It was the scrappy underdog against the jungle predators, and while A Really Bad Team put up an admirable fight, the Jaguars ultimately pounced. In a match filled with end-to-end action and a collective refusal to play defense, the Jaguars’ relentless attack proved too much.

The highlight of the game came when A Really Bad Team scored three goals in two minutes, sparking wild celebrations. Unfortunately, their elation was short-lived as the Jaguars responded with four goals of their own, two of which came from outrageous solo runs that left defenders flailing like inflatable tube men outside a used car dealership.

Chill FC (4-1) vs [REDACTED] (0-5) 14 – 8

If you love goals, this was the match for you. If you love defending, well… maybe not. Chill FC and [REDACTED] treated fans to a goal fest that felt more like a basketball game, with both teams scoring at will. Chill FC ultimately triumphed, but not before [REDACTED] set a new league record for the most “we tried really hard” moments in a single game.

Chill FC’s offensive display was electric, with one player scoring a hat-trick so quickly that the ref reportedly had to double-check the score sheet. Meanwhile, [REDACTED] managed to score eight goals despite looking like they’d just met each other 20 minutes before kickoff. At least they’re consistent in their inconsistency.

Arse ‘N All (0-5) vs Nameless (3-2) 3 – 13

Nameless might lack a name, but they certainly don’t lack firepower. This game was less a competition and more a public execution, as Nameless dismantled Arse ‘N All with surgical precision. Arse ‘N All’s struggles were encapsulated in one comical sequence where three players tripped over each other trying to clear the ball, only to gift Nameless their seventh goal.

Nameless’s attacking quartet ran riot, scoring from all angles and even attempting a bicycle kick that missed so wildly it ended up as a clearance. For Arse ‘N All, it’s back to the drawing board—or perhaps the pub—to figure out what’s gone so wrong this season.

Zubri’s (3-2) vs Cleats & Cleavage (5-0) 6 – 8

GAME OF THE WEEK: In the matchup everyone was waiting for, Cleats & Cleavage stayed perfect by narrowly edging Zubri’s in a high-energy, high-stakes thriller. Both teams came out swinging, trading goals like two heavyweight boxers in the 12th round.

Zubri’s mounted a furious late-game rally, scoring twice in the final minutes to pull within one. But Cleats & Cleavage held their nerve, clinching the win with a stunning counterattack goal that sent their bench into pandemonium. Zubri’s, meanwhile, left the field muttering about a missed offside call and vowing vengeance in the playoffs.

Serb Patrol (3-2) vs Latin@s (1-3) 9 – 11

What. A. Game. Latin@s finally broke their losing streak in a match so chaotic it felt like a soap opera with cleats. Serb Patrol seemed to have the game under control early, storming to a 6-3 lead with clinical finishing. But the Latin@s refused to quit, roaring back with a second-half surge fueled by sheer determination and questionable tackling.

The turning point came when a Latin@s player executed a nutmeg so filthy the Serb Patrol defender immediately subbed himself out in shame. From there, the goals came thick and fast, with Latin@s netting the winner in the dying seconds to secure their first victory of the season. Serb Patrol, stunned and dejected, might want to invest in a team therapist.

Team Dauberman (4-1) vs Pitch Pirates (0-4-1) 10 – 7

The Pitch Pirates’ winless season continues, but they went down swinging—literally, in one heated exchange with a referee. Team Dauberman’s clinical attack proved too much for the Pirates’ chaotic defense, which at times resembled a group of toddlers chasing a balloon.

The Pirates’ valiant effort was highlighted by a stunning volley from midfield that left everyone, including the scorer, in disbelief. But Dauberman’s well-organized counterattacks repeatedly exposed the Pirates’ backline, sealing their fourth win of the season. As the Pirates left the field, they were overheard discussing the possibility of hiring a defensive coach—or a psychic.

Final Thoughts

Week 5 delivered on every front: dramatic comebacks, outrageous goals, and at least three moments of pure comedy gold. With the standings starting to take shape and the playoffs looming on the horizon, the tension is only going to rise. Will Cleats & Cleavage stay undefeated? Will [REDACTED] ever figure it out? And how many more times can the Pitch Pirates lose before they mutiny?

Stay tuned next week for more twists, turns, and tales from the league where anything—and everything—can happen!

The Sunday Coed League at Akron Indoor Soccer continues to be the pinnacle of weekend entertainment for those who enjoy watching a mix of sublime soccer skills and outright absurdity. Week 4 did not disappoint, featuring upsets, blowouts, and one game so chaotic it’s already being heralded as a classic (or a cautionary tale). Grab your favorite beverage, and let’s relive the highlights.

Latin@s (0-3) vs Jaguars (3-1) 2 – 11

It was a jungle out there as the Jaguars feasted on the winless Latin@s. The final score of 11-2 tells the story of a game that was over almost as soon as it started. The Latin@s’ defense looked more like a group of bewildered tourists wandering through the savanna, while the Jaguars pounced on every opportunity with ruthless efficiency. Rumor has it the Latin@s have been practicing “self-love and acceptance” instead of set pieces. While that’s great for mental health, it didn’t help much against the feline fury. At least the Latin@s avoided the dreaded shutout with two late goals, one of which may or may not have been an own goal.

Wasted Talent (1-2-1) vs Arse ‘N All (0-4) 9 – 5

If nothing else, Wasted Talent proved they were slightly less wasted than Arse ‘N All in this 9-5 barnburner. Arse ‘N All finally managed to stay competitive for a majority of the game, but their defense collapsed faster than a cheap folding chair in the final ten minutes. Wasted Talent’s offense, led by one player who appeared to be powered exclusively by Red Bull and regret, ran riot with a flurry of late goals. Meanwhile, Arse ‘N All’s strategy seemed to hinge on looking busy while hoping Wasted Talent forgot they were supposed to score. Spoiler alert: they didn’t forget.

Serb Patrol (3-1) vs Team Dauberman (3-1) 7 – 5

GAME OF THE WEEK: This matchup was pure chaos wrapped in soccer cleats, and we loved every second of it. Serb Patrol and Team Dauberman clashed in a heated battle that felt more like a heavyweight title fight than a recreational league game. The teams traded goals, hard tackles, and colorful arguments with the referee before Serb Patrol ultimately emerged victorious, 7-5. Dauberman’s usually impenetrable defense fell victim to Serb Patrol’s relentless pressure, with one player pulling off a bicycle kick so audacious it deserves its own documentary. By the end, Serb Patrol celebrated like they’d won the World Cup, while Dauberman trudged off the field muttering darkly about “next week.”

[REDACTED] (0-4) vs Nameless (2-2) 4 – 11

It’s hard to pinpoint where it all went wrong for [REDACTED]—perhaps it was when they agreed to play soccer. Nameless showed no mercy, strolling to an 11-4 victory while looking like they were barely breaking a sweat. [REDACTED] managed to score four goals, all of which were met with wild celebrations that suggested they were just happy to be there. Nameless, however, treated this game as a glorified practice session, stringing together slick passes and embarrassing their opponents with an assortment of nutmegs, backheels, and one absurd lob from midfield. [REDACTED] has reportedly issued a team-wide memo encouraging players to “learn what offside is” before their next match.

Pitch Pirates (0-3-1) vs Cleats & Cleavage (3-0) 7 – 10

This game was a reminder that style points don’t count, but they sure are fun to watch. The Pitch Pirates came out swinging, scoring early and often, but Cleats & Cleavage held their composure and surged back to secure a thrilling 10-7 win. The Pirates briefly led in the second half, sparking hopes of a maiden victory, but Cleats & Cleavage’s potent attack proved too much to handle. One Pirate was overheard shouting, “Why don’t we just steal their cleats?” as their opponents added a tenth goal. While the Pirates remain winless, they earned some respect for their effort and one very confusing post-game TikTok dance.

Chill FC (3-1) vs A Really Bad Team (3-1) 10 – 3

Chill FC doesn’t just play soccer—they vibe their way to victories. Against A Really Bad Team, they made dominance look downright relaxing. With an effortless 10-3 victory, Chill FC left no doubt they’re one of the league’s top squads. A Really Bad Team looked, well, really bad, as they struggled to string together more than two passes without surrendering possession. Chill FC’s goalie was so unbothered by the opposition’s attack that they reportedly started planning their grocery list midway through the second half. A Really Bad Team will need a serious rethink if they want to keep their season from unraveling faster than a dollar-store sweater.

Old and Fancy (3-0) vs Zubri’s (3-1) 7 – 6

In what might have been the closest and most dramatic game of the week, Old and Fancy eked out a 7-6 victory over Zubri’s in a match that could have gone either way. Zubri’s brought their trademark high-energy style, but Old and Fancy’s seasoned approach proved just enough to tip the scales. The final moments were pure chaos, with Zubri’s launching desperate long balls and Old and Fancy’s goalkeeper pulling off save after save. When the final whistle blew, Old and Fancy celebrated with the subdued dignity of people who knew they had early morning yoga classes. Zubri’s, meanwhile, headed to the bar, where they allegedly demanded the jukebox play Chumbawamba’s “Tubthumping” on repeat.

Final Thoughts

Week 4 was everything we’ve come to expect from the Sunday Coed League: goals, drama, and the occasional existential crisis about whether soccer is really for everyone. With some teams hitting their stride and others just trying to survive, the league is shaping up to deliver an unforgettable season. Stay tuned next week as the madness continues!

If you thought Week 3 of the Akron Indoor Soccer Coed League would calm the chaos, think again. From blowouts and defensive disasters to a rare but entertaining stalemate, Sunday night delivered another rollercoaster ride of futsal fun. Here’s how it all went down.

Team Dauberman 14, Chill FC 7

Cody Copley and the Scoring Circus Strike Again

In the Game of the Week, Team Dauberman and Chill FC were expected to deliver a close, tactical battle. Instead, Dauberman unleashed a 14-goal blitz that turned the pitch into their personal playground. Cody Copley’s squad treated the ball like a hot potato—firing shots from every angle, many of which inexplicably found the back of the net.

Aaron Fong’s Chill FC fought valiantly, even matching Dauberman’s intensity early on. But as the second half rolled in, their defense collapsed faster than a folding chair at a family reunion. Chill FC’s frustration hit a peak when one of their defenders accidentally deflected a Dauberman shot into their own net, prompting groans from the sidelines and a very vocal “WHY ME?”

Highlight of the Match: Copley completing a hat trick before halftime, followed by a celebration dance that can only be described as interpretive yoga.

Old and Fancy 6, Jaguars 2

“Fancy” Defense Trumps Jaguar Speed

What just happened? The Jaguars, who had been mauling opponents left and right, were brought to a screeching halt by the methodical, patient play of Old and Fancy. Ryan Inama’s squad may lack the pace of their younger rivals, but they showed that brains still beat brawn.

Guillermo Alvarez’s Jaguars were visibly flustered as Old and Fancy clogged up passing lanes, intercepted long balls, and used their positioning to frustrate every attacking attempt. “It’s like they knew what we were doing before we even did it,” lamented Alvarez post-match.

Highlight of the Match: The Old and Fancy keeper pulling off a diving save at full stretch—a moment that drew cheers so loud it momentarily drowned out the adjacent karaoke competition.

A Really Bad Team 10, [REDACTED] 2

[REDACTED]: Please Find a Defense

For a team named A Really Bad Team, they sure know how to dish out some serious humiliation. Lauren Lutikoff’s squad continued their improbable undefeated run, dismantling Alyssa Tarter’s [REDACTED] with a flurry of goals and fancy footwork.

[REDACTED] looked promising for the first five minutes, even taking an early lead, but their defense soon fell apart like a soggy nacho. By halftime, the only thing [REDACTED] had going for them was their very mysterious name—and even that couldn’t shield them from the scoreboard embarrassment.

Highlight of the Match: Lutikoff scoring a goal from midfield—yes, midfield—after spotting the [REDACTED] keeper a little too far off their line.

Pitch Pirates 2, Wasted Talent 2

Chaos Meets Chaos in the League’s First Draw

In a league known for high-scoring blowouts, Pitch Pirates and Wasted Talent gave us a rare gem: a draw. And not just any draw—this was the kind of match where every touch of the ball felt like an adventure.

Both teams had chances to take the win, but poor finishing, spectacular saves, and one memorable moment where a player tripped over the ball itself kept things level. By the final whistle, everyone on both teams seemed equally relieved and confused.

Highlight of the Match: A Wasted Talent defender accidentally passing to a Pitch Pirates forward, who proceeded to miss an open net. Somewhere, a soccer purist cried.

Cleats & Cleavage 19, Arse ‘N All 7

Jamie Dean’s Squad Makes a Statement

If you had any doubts about Cleats & Cleavage being a league powerhouse, consider them erased. Jamie Dean’s crew brought the fireworks, scoring a ridiculous 19 goals while showcasing more flair than an overzealous figure skater.

Mellyssa Adams and Arse ‘N All tried to keep pace early, scoring seven goals of their own, but the defensive side of their game was…well, nonexistent. By the end, the only thing “all” about Arse ‘N All was their confusion.

Highlight of the Match: Dean’s no-look assist in the second half, which left three defenders staring at each other in disbelief.

Zubri’s 10, Un-Zippers 4

Un-Zippers Still Struggling to Stay Fastened

Zubri’s remained unbeaten with a clinical dismantling of Un-Zippers. Radovan Pupovac led the charge, scoring five goals and assisting on three others as his squad cruised to an easy win.

The Un-Zippers, on the other hand, showed flashes of potential but failed to keep up with the high-pressure play of their opponents. Bobby Giebel’s squad desperately needs to tighten up on defense—pun absolutely intended—or their winless streak might become the stuff of legend.

Highlight of the Match: Pupovac casually nutmegging a defender twice in a row before slotting the ball into the bottom corner. Savage.

Serb Patrol 13, Nameless 5

Ognjen Krco Brings the Pain

The final match of the night featured a dominant display from Serb Patrol, who rebounded from last week’s loss in emphatic fashion. Ognjen Krco’s squad was relentless, pressing Nameless into mistakes and converting nearly every chance they got.

Seth Vaill and Nameless fought hard but were clearly outmatched. Their defense looked more like a suggestion than a strategy, and Krco was happy to exploit every gap.

Highlight of the Match: Krco scoring his seventh goal of the night with a cheeky backheel that drew oohs and aahs from the small but enthusiastic crowd.

Final Thoughts

Week 3 was a buffet of entertainment: blowouts, tactical surprises, and enough defensive lapses to fill an instructional video titled What Not to Do in Soccer. As the standings start to take shape, one thing remains certain—this league is as unpredictable as it is hilarious.

Who will rise? Who will fall? And will Wasted Talent ever live up to their potential? Stay tuned for Week 4!

November 17, 2024, will go down in Akron Indoor Soccer history as a day of lopsided scorelines, unlikely heroes, and a lot of sore muscles. Week 2 was an all-out goal fest, featuring everything from highlight-reel plays to moments that would make a high school P.E. teacher cringe. Let’s dive into the action and relive the chaos!

Team Dauberman 15, Un-Zippers 6 – The Great Un-Zipping

The afternoon kicked off with Team Dauberman absolutely unzipping the defense of Un-Zippers in a 15-6 demolition. Cody Copley and his crew didn’t just win—they staged a goal-scoring clinic, with Copley himself contributing so many assists he started asking the ref if he could get partial credit for them.

Meanwhile, Un-Zippers struggled to keep it together (pun intended), with Bobby Giebel calling for a timeout just to locate the team’s defense, which was last seen wandering around midfield. Despite their best efforts, their zippers were stuck wide open, letting Dauberman score at will.

Highlight Moment: An Un-Zippers player attempting to block a shot with an improvised belly flop. Effective? No. Entertaining? Absolutely.

Zubri’s 7, Latin@s 2 – Salsa on Ice

Zubri’s continued their dominance, showing no mercy to the Latin@s in a 7-2 rout. Radovan Pupovac’s squad looked every bit like a championship contender, executing pinpoint passes and precision strikes that left their opponents dizzy. Even the Latin flair of Latin@s couldn’t keep up, as their salsa-inspired footwork was no match for Zubri’s clinical finishing.

To their credit, Latin@s never stopped dancing—even as the goals rained down. Alvaro Lopez managed a consolation goal late in the game, celebrating with a salsa spin so smooth it momentarily distracted the Zubri’s keeper.

Highlight Moment: A Latin@s defender attempting a no-look backheel clearance… straight into their own goal.

Chill FC 15, Pitch Pirates 10 – A Pirate’s Life for Me

If there was an award for the wildest game of the week, this would be it. The scoreboard couldn’t keep up as Chill FC and Pitch Pirates traded goals like they were on clearance at a Black Friday sale. Aaron Fong led Chill FC with a ridiculous seven goals, playing with such chill confidence that he took a sip of his water bottle mid-run before scoring one of them.

The Pitch Pirates showed incredible heart, with Kattiejean Tibbs rallying her crew to put up double digits. Alas, the Pirates couldn’t stop leaking goals on defense. Apparently, their treasure map was marked with X’s where Chill’s shots landed—directly in the net.

Highlight Moment: A Pitch Pirates player yelling, “I’m open!” and scoring an accidental header after the ball deflected off their face.

Cleats & Cleavage 10, Nameless 1 – The Fashion Statement

Cleats & Cleavage made a grand debut, and boy, did they live up to the hype. Jamie Dean’s squad absolutely dismantled the Nameless, who might want to consider renaming themselves “Goals Needed.” From the opening whistle, Cleats & Cleavage dominated possession, outpacing and outplaying their overwhelmed opponents.

The Nameless squad, led by Seth Vaill, looked like they were playing in slow motion compared to the flash and flair of their opponents. Even their lone goal came courtesy of a wayward clearance from Cleats & Cleavage, but hey, they’ll take it.

Highlight Moment: Jamie Dean executing a rainbow flick over a defender before scoring a goal so stylish, Vogue is considering featuring her in their next issue.

A Really Bad Team 3, Wasted Talent 2 – The Irony Bowl

In the battle of self-deprecating names, A Really Bad Team and Wasted Talent lived up to their ironic monikers in a low-scoring nail-biter. Lauren Lutikoff’s crew eked out a 3-2 victory, showing that they might be really bad… at losing.

Wasted Talent put up a valiant fight, with Martin Untch nearly leveling the score in the final seconds, only to trip over the ball at the most crucial moment. Both teams left everything on the field, including, it seems, their ability to aim for the corners of the goal.

Highlight Moment: A Wasted Talent player screaming, “That was in!” at a shot that missed by at least three feet.

Jaguars 12, [REDACTED] 2 – The Mystery Unveiled

If [REDACTED] was hoping to keep their strategies under wraps, they might want to rethink their approach after a 12-2 drubbing by the Jaguars. Guillermo Alvarez’s squad came out roaring, tearing through the defense like, well, jaguars.

Alyssa Tarter’s [REDACTED] team fought valiantly but seemed to spend most of the game wondering what just happened. By the second half, the only mystery left was how Alvarez managed to score six goals while smiling for the camera in every post-goal selfie.

Highlight Moment: A [REDACTED] defender yelling, “We need a new strategy!” while a Jaguars player ran past him to score.

Serb Patrol 14, Arse ‘N All 2 – Patrol Domination

Serb Patrol is back, baby, and they’ve made a loud and clear statement with their Week 2 performance: don’t mess with Ognjen Krco’s squad. They absolutely obliterated Arse ‘N All, who were left searching for their arses—and their pride—after a brutal 14-2 defeat.

Krco led by example, bagging a hat trick within the first 10 minutes, while the rest of the team put on a clinic in counterattacking soccer. Arse ‘N All, meanwhile, spent most of the game bickering over who was supposed to be marking whom.

Highlight Moment: An Arse ‘N All player congratulating a Serb Patrol goal scorer for “such a great shot” before realizing they were on opposing teams.

Final Thoughts: Goals Galore

Week 2 proved that Akron Indoor Soccer is where dreams are made, crushed, and sometimes hilariously fumbled. From blowouts to near-misses, the league delivered on its promise of fun, unpredictability, and just the right amount of chaos.

As the teams nurse their wounds and ice their knees, one thing is certain: Week 3 is bound to bring more drama, goals, and questionable decision-making. Stay tuned!