November 17, 2024, will go down in Akron Indoor Soccer history as a day of lopsided scorelines, unlikely heroes, and a lot of sore muscles. Week 2 was an all-out goal fest, featuring everything from highlight-reel plays to moments that would make a high school P.E. teacher cringe. Let’s dive into the action and relive the chaos!
Team Dauberman 15, Un-Zippers 6 – The Great Un-Zipping
The afternoon kicked off with Team Dauberman absolutely unzipping the defense of Un-Zippers in a 15-6 demolition. Cody Copley and his crew didn’t just win—they staged a goal-scoring clinic, with Copley himself contributing so many assists he started asking the ref if he could get partial credit for them.
Meanwhile, Un-Zippers struggled to keep it together (pun intended), with Bobby Giebel calling for a timeout just to locate the team’s defense, which was last seen wandering around midfield. Despite their best efforts, their zippers were stuck wide open, letting Dauberman score at will.
Highlight Moment: An Un-Zippers player attempting to block a shot with an improvised belly flop. Effective? No. Entertaining? Absolutely.
Zubri’s 7, Latin@s 2 – Salsa on Ice
Zubri’s continued their dominance, showing no mercy to the Latin@s in a 7-2 rout. Radovan Pupovac’s squad looked every bit like a championship contender, executing pinpoint passes and precision strikes that left their opponents dizzy. Even the Latin flair of Latin@s couldn’t keep up, as their salsa-inspired footwork was no match for Zubri’s clinical finishing.
To their credit, Latin@s never stopped dancing—even as the goals rained down. Alvaro Lopez managed a consolation goal late in the game, celebrating with a salsa spin so smooth it momentarily distracted the Zubri’s keeper.
Highlight Moment: A Latin@s defender attempting a no-look backheel clearance… straight into their own goal.
Chill FC 15, Pitch Pirates 10 – A Pirate’s Life for Me
If there was an award for the wildest game of the week, this would be it. The scoreboard couldn’t keep up as Chill FC and Pitch Pirates traded goals like they were on clearance at a Black Friday sale. Aaron Fong led Chill FC with a ridiculous seven goals, playing with such chill confidence that he took a sip of his water bottle mid-run before scoring one of them.
The Pitch Pirates showed incredible heart, with Kattiejean Tibbs rallying her crew to put up double digits. Alas, the Pirates couldn’t stop leaking goals on defense. Apparently, their treasure map was marked with X’s where Chill’s shots landed—directly in the net.
Highlight Moment: A Pitch Pirates player yelling, “I’m open!” and scoring an accidental header after the ball deflected off their face.
Cleats & Cleavage 10, Nameless 1 – The Fashion Statement
Cleats & Cleavage made a grand debut, and boy, did they live up to the hype. Jamie Dean’s squad absolutely dismantled the Nameless, who might want to consider renaming themselves “Goals Needed.” From the opening whistle, Cleats & Cleavage dominated possession, outpacing and outplaying their overwhelmed opponents.
The Nameless squad, led by Seth Vaill, looked like they were playing in slow motion compared to the flash and flair of their opponents. Even their lone goal came courtesy of a wayward clearance from Cleats & Cleavage, but hey, they’ll take it.
Highlight Moment: Jamie Dean executing a rainbow flick over a defender before scoring a goal so stylish, Vogue is considering featuring her in their next issue.
A Really Bad Team 3, Wasted Talent 2 – The Irony Bowl
In the battle of self-deprecating names, A Really Bad Team and Wasted Talent lived up to their ironic monikers in a low-scoring nail-biter. Lauren Lutikoff’s crew eked out a 3-2 victory, showing that they might be really bad… at losing.
Wasted Talent put up a valiant fight, with Martin Untch nearly leveling the score in the final seconds, only to trip over the ball at the most crucial moment. Both teams left everything on the field, including, it seems, their ability to aim for the corners of the goal.
Highlight Moment: A Wasted Talent player screaming, “That was in!” at a shot that missed by at least three feet.
Jaguars 12, [REDACTED] 2 – The Mystery Unveiled
If [REDACTED] was hoping to keep their strategies under wraps, they might want to rethink their approach after a 12-2 drubbing by the Jaguars. Guillermo Alvarez’s squad came out roaring, tearing through the defense like, well, jaguars.
Alyssa Tarter’s [REDACTED] team fought valiantly but seemed to spend most of the game wondering what just happened. By the second half, the only mystery left was how Alvarez managed to score six goals while smiling for the camera in every post-goal selfie.
Highlight Moment: A [REDACTED] defender yelling, “We need a new strategy!” while a Jaguars player ran past him to score.
Serb Patrol 14, Arse ‘N All 2 – Patrol Domination
Serb Patrol is back, baby, and they’ve made a loud and clear statement with their Week 2 performance: don’t mess with Ognjen Krco’s squad. They absolutely obliterated Arse ‘N All, who were left searching for their arses—and their pride—after a brutal 14-2 defeat.
Krco led by example, bagging a hat trick within the first 10 minutes, while the rest of the team put on a clinic in counterattacking soccer. Arse ‘N All, meanwhile, spent most of the game bickering over who was supposed to be marking whom.
Highlight Moment: An Arse ‘N All player congratulating a Serb Patrol goal scorer for “such a great shot” before realizing they were on opposing teams.
Final Thoughts: Goals Galore
Week 2 proved that Akron Indoor Soccer is where dreams are made, crushed, and sometimes hilariously fumbled. From blowouts to near-misses, the league delivered on its promise of fun, unpredictability, and just the right amount of chaos.
As the teams nurse their wounds and ice their knees, one thing is certain: Week 3 is bound to bring more drama, goals, and questionable decision-making. Stay tuned!