If you thought Week 3 of the Akron Indoor Soccer Coed League would calm the chaos, think again. From blowouts and defensive disasters to a rare but entertaining stalemate, Sunday night delivered another rollercoaster ride of futsal fun. Here’s how it all went down.
Team Dauberman 14, Chill FC 7
Cody Copley and the Scoring Circus Strike Again
In the Game of the Week, Team Dauberman and Chill FC were expected to deliver a close, tactical battle. Instead, Dauberman unleashed a 14-goal blitz that turned the pitch into their personal playground. Cody Copley’s squad treated the ball like a hot potato—firing shots from every angle, many of which inexplicably found the back of the net.
Aaron Fong’s Chill FC fought valiantly, even matching Dauberman’s intensity early on. But as the second half rolled in, their defense collapsed faster than a folding chair at a family reunion. Chill FC’s frustration hit a peak when one of their defenders accidentally deflected a Dauberman shot into their own net, prompting groans from the sidelines and a very vocal “WHY ME?”
Highlight of the Match: Copley completing a hat trick before halftime, followed by a celebration dance that can only be described as interpretive yoga.
Old and Fancy 6, Jaguars 2
“Fancy” Defense Trumps Jaguar Speed
What just happened? The Jaguars, who had been mauling opponents left and right, were brought to a screeching halt by the methodical, patient play of Old and Fancy. Ryan Inama’s squad may lack the pace of their younger rivals, but they showed that brains still beat brawn.
Guillermo Alvarez’s Jaguars were visibly flustered as Old and Fancy clogged up passing lanes, intercepted long balls, and used their positioning to frustrate every attacking attempt. “It’s like they knew what we were doing before we even did it,” lamented Alvarez post-match.
Highlight of the Match: The Old and Fancy keeper pulling off a diving save at full stretch—a moment that drew cheers so loud it momentarily drowned out the adjacent karaoke competition.
A Really Bad Team 10, [REDACTED] 2
[REDACTED]: Please Find a Defense
For a team named A Really Bad Team, they sure know how to dish out some serious humiliation. Lauren Lutikoff’s squad continued their improbable undefeated run, dismantling Alyssa Tarter’s [REDACTED] with a flurry of goals and fancy footwork.
[REDACTED] looked promising for the first five minutes, even taking an early lead, but their defense soon fell apart like a soggy nacho. By halftime, the only thing [REDACTED] had going for them was their very mysterious name—and even that couldn’t shield them from the scoreboard embarrassment.
Highlight of the Match: Lutikoff scoring a goal from midfield—yes, midfield—after spotting the [REDACTED] keeper a little too far off their line.
Pitch Pirates 2, Wasted Talent 2
Chaos Meets Chaos in the League’s First Draw
In a league known for high-scoring blowouts, Pitch Pirates and Wasted Talent gave us a rare gem: a draw. And not just any draw—this was the kind of match where every touch of the ball felt like an adventure.
Both teams had chances to take the win, but poor finishing, spectacular saves, and one memorable moment where a player tripped over the ball itself kept things level. By the final whistle, everyone on both teams seemed equally relieved and confused.
Highlight of the Match: A Wasted Talent defender accidentally passing to a Pitch Pirates forward, who proceeded to miss an open net. Somewhere, a soccer purist cried.
Cleats & Cleavage 19, Arse ‘N All 7
Jamie Dean’s Squad Makes a Statement
If you had any doubts about Cleats & Cleavage being a league powerhouse, consider them erased. Jamie Dean’s crew brought the fireworks, scoring a ridiculous 19 goals while showcasing more flair than an overzealous figure skater.
Mellyssa Adams and Arse ‘N All tried to keep pace early, scoring seven goals of their own, but the defensive side of their game was…well, nonexistent. By the end, the only thing “all” about Arse ‘N All was their confusion.
Highlight of the Match: Dean’s no-look assist in the second half, which left three defenders staring at each other in disbelief.
Zubri’s 10, Un-Zippers 4
Un-Zippers Still Struggling to Stay Fastened
Zubri’s remained unbeaten with a clinical dismantling of Un-Zippers. Radovan Pupovac led the charge, scoring five goals and assisting on three others as his squad cruised to an easy win.
The Un-Zippers, on the other hand, showed flashes of potential but failed to keep up with the high-pressure play of their opponents. Bobby Giebel’s squad desperately needs to tighten up on defense—pun absolutely intended—or their winless streak might become the stuff of legend.
Highlight of the Match: Pupovac casually nutmegging a defender twice in a row before slotting the ball into the bottom corner. Savage.
Serb Patrol 13, Nameless 5
Ognjen Krco Brings the Pain
The final match of the night featured a dominant display from Serb Patrol, who rebounded from last week’s loss in emphatic fashion. Ognjen Krco’s squad was relentless, pressing Nameless into mistakes and converting nearly every chance they got.
Seth Vaill and Nameless fought hard but were clearly outmatched. Their defense looked more like a suggestion than a strategy, and Krco was happy to exploit every gap.
Highlight of the Match: Krco scoring his seventh goal of the night with a cheeky backheel that drew oohs and aahs from the small but enthusiastic crowd.
Final Thoughts
Week 3 was a buffet of entertainment: blowouts, tactical surprises, and enough defensive lapses to fill an instructional video titled What Not to Do in Soccer. As the standings start to take shape, one thing remains certain—this league is as unpredictable as it is hilarious.
Who will rise? Who will fall? And will Wasted Talent ever live up to their potential? Stay tuned for Week 4!