The Sunday Coed League at Akron Indoor Soccer continues to be the pinnacle of weekend entertainment for those who enjoy watching a mix of sublime soccer skills and outright absurdity. Week 4 did not disappoint, featuring upsets, blowouts, and one game so chaotic it’s already being heralded as a classic (or a cautionary tale). Grab your favorite beverage, and let’s relive the highlights.
Latin@s (0-3) vs Jaguars (3-1) 2 – 11
It was a jungle out there as the Jaguars feasted on the winless Latin@s. The final score of 11-2 tells the story of a game that was over almost as soon as it started. The Latin@s’ defense looked more like a group of bewildered tourists wandering through the savanna, while the Jaguars pounced on every opportunity with ruthless efficiency. Rumor has it the Latin@s have been practicing “self-love and acceptance” instead of set pieces. While that’s great for mental health, it didn’t help much against the feline fury. At least the Latin@s avoided the dreaded shutout with two late goals, one of which may or may not have been an own goal.
Wasted Talent (1-2-1) vs Arse ‘N All (0-4) 9 – 5
If nothing else, Wasted Talent proved they were slightly less wasted than Arse ‘N All in this 9-5 barnburner. Arse ‘N All finally managed to stay competitive for a majority of the game, but their defense collapsed faster than a cheap folding chair in the final ten minutes. Wasted Talent’s offense, led by one player who appeared to be powered exclusively by Red Bull and regret, ran riot with a flurry of late goals. Meanwhile, Arse ‘N All’s strategy seemed to hinge on looking busy while hoping Wasted Talent forgot they were supposed to score. Spoiler alert: they didn’t forget.
Serb Patrol (3-1) vs Team Dauberman (3-1) 7 – 5
GAME OF THE WEEK: This matchup was pure chaos wrapped in soccer cleats, and we loved every second of it. Serb Patrol and Team Dauberman clashed in a heated battle that felt more like a heavyweight title fight than a recreational league game. The teams traded goals, hard tackles, and colorful arguments with the referee before Serb Patrol ultimately emerged victorious, 7-5. Dauberman’s usually impenetrable defense fell victim to Serb Patrol’s relentless pressure, with one player pulling off a bicycle kick so audacious it deserves its own documentary. By the end, Serb Patrol celebrated like they’d won the World Cup, while Dauberman trudged off the field muttering darkly about “next week.”
[REDACTED] (0-4) vs Nameless (2-2) 4 – 11
It’s hard to pinpoint where it all went wrong for [REDACTED]—perhaps it was when they agreed to play soccer. Nameless showed no mercy, strolling to an 11-4 victory while looking like they were barely breaking a sweat. [REDACTED] managed to score four goals, all of which were met with wild celebrations that suggested they were just happy to be there. Nameless, however, treated this game as a glorified practice session, stringing together slick passes and embarrassing their opponents with an assortment of nutmegs, backheels, and one absurd lob from midfield. [REDACTED] has reportedly issued a team-wide memo encouraging players to “learn what offside is” before their next match.
Pitch Pirates (0-3-1) vs Cleats & Cleavage (3-0) 7 – 10
This game was a reminder that style points don’t count, but they sure are fun to watch. The Pitch Pirates came out swinging, scoring early and often, but Cleats & Cleavage held their composure and surged back to secure a thrilling 10-7 win. The Pirates briefly led in the second half, sparking hopes of a maiden victory, but Cleats & Cleavage’s potent attack proved too much to handle. One Pirate was overheard shouting, “Why don’t we just steal their cleats?” as their opponents added a tenth goal. While the Pirates remain winless, they earned some respect for their effort and one very confusing post-game TikTok dance.
Chill FC (3-1) vs A Really Bad Team (3-1) 10 – 3
Chill FC doesn’t just play soccer—they vibe their way to victories. Against A Really Bad Team, they made dominance look downright relaxing. With an effortless 10-3 victory, Chill FC left no doubt they’re one of the league’s top squads. A Really Bad Team looked, well, really bad, as they struggled to string together more than two passes without surrendering possession. Chill FC’s goalie was so unbothered by the opposition’s attack that they reportedly started planning their grocery list midway through the second half. A Really Bad Team will need a serious rethink if they want to keep their season from unraveling faster than a dollar-store sweater.
Old and Fancy (3-0) vs Zubri’s (3-1) 7 – 6
In what might have been the closest and most dramatic game of the week, Old and Fancy eked out a 7-6 victory over Zubri’s in a match that could have gone either way. Zubri’s brought their trademark high-energy style, but Old and Fancy’s seasoned approach proved just enough to tip the scales. The final moments were pure chaos, with Zubri’s launching desperate long balls and Old and Fancy’s goalkeeper pulling off save after save. When the final whistle blew, Old and Fancy celebrated with the subdued dignity of people who knew they had early morning yoga classes. Zubri’s, meanwhile, headed to the bar, where they allegedly demanded the jukebox play Chumbawamba’s “Tubthumping” on repeat.
Final Thoughts
Week 4 was everything we’ve come to expect from the Sunday Coed League: goals, drama, and the occasional existential crisis about whether soccer is really for everyone. With some teams hitting their stride and others just trying to survive, the league is shaping up to deliver an unforgettable season. Stay tuned next week as the madness continues!