The holidays are here, but that didn’t stop the Sunday Coed League from delivering its usual mix of chaos, comedy, and (questionable) athletic prowess. Week 7 saw blowouts, upsets, and enough goals to fill Santa’s sleigh. Let’s unwrap the action!
Nameless vs A Really Bad Team: 5 – 7
In a battle of inconsistency versus chaos, A Really Bad Team managed to not live up to their name—at least for a day. Nameless, despite their identity crisis, held their own with clever passing and moments of brilliance, but it wasn’t enough to stop A Really Bad Team from pulling off the win.
The highlight of the game came in the second half when an A Really Bad Team player attempted what can only be described as a “windmill bicycle kick.” It missed spectacularly, but the ensuing confusion allowed a teammate to tap in the easiest goal of the season. Nameless, meanwhile, missed several golden opportunities and spent more time yelling at each other than playing defense.
Un-zippers vs Latin@s: 5 – 2
The Un-zippers finally zipped up their defense, and the result was a convincing win over Latin@s. This game was all about grit, determination, and one Un-zippers striker who seemingly decided that every shot needed to be from midfield. Miraculously, one of those wild efforts actually went in, drawing cheers and disbelief in equal measure.
Latin@s struggled to find their rhythm, with their only two goals coming from defensive miscues by the Un-zippers. Despite the loss, Latin@s provided plenty of entertainment, including an audacious backheel attempt that missed the ball entirely, resulting in an unintentional self-meg.
Jaguars vs Arse ‘N All: 14 – 3
This one was over faster than a New Year’s resolution. The Jaguars came out roaring, scoring five goals in the first 10 minutes and never looking back. Arse ‘N All, still winless on the season, looked as though they’d been gift-wrapped for the Jaguars, who pounced on every mistake with predatory precision.
The match featured the season’s most creative goal celebration: a Jaguars player reenacted the famous “Lion King” Simba lift after scoring their fourth goal. Arse ‘N All did manage a few moments of magic, including a long-range stunner that had everyone clapping, but it was too little, too late.
[REDACTED] vs Serb Patrol: 4 – 11
Serb Patrol stormed into this game like they were leading an actual patrol, dismantling [REDACTED] with ruthless efficiency. [REDACTED] put up a valiant fight early on, keeping the game close at halftime, but their defense collapsed in the second half under relentless pressure.
Serb Patrol’s standout moment came when one player dribbled through three defenders before calmly slotting the ball into the bottom corner. [REDACTED] responded by accidentally passing the ball directly to the same player, who graciously accepted the gift and scored again. At this point, [REDACTED] may want to consider renaming themselves to “Under Construction.”
Cleats & Cleavage vs Wasted Talent: 15 – 1
This was less a soccer game and more a public exhibition of dominance. Cleats & Cleavage came into this match undefeated and showed no mercy, dismantling Wasted Talent in a performance that can only be described as “ruthless festive cheer.”
Wasted Talent’s lone goal came via a deflected clearance, which led to cheers of mock triumph from their bench. Cleats & Cleavage, meanwhile, showcased why they’re the league’s best, scoring from every conceivable angle, including a header off a corner that looked straight out of a professional highlight reel. Wasted Talent’s postgame meeting reportedly consisted of the phrase, “Well, at least we tried.”
Zubri’s vs Pitch Pirates: 15 – 6
Zubri’s made their case for most dangerous offense in the league with an absolute demolition of the Pitch Pirates. The game was entertaining, but only if you enjoy watching one team get repeatedly outclassed.
The Pitch Pirates’ defensive strategy—best described as “every man for himself”—left Zubri’s attackers with acres of space to work with. Zubri’s took full advantage, scoring several highlight-reel goals, including a scorpion kick that sent the crowd into hysterics. The Pirates, to their credit, kept fighting and even scored a few consolation goals, but it was clear their ship had sailed long before the final whistle.
Chill FC vs Old and Fancy
In what was supposed to be a clash of titans, Chill FC and Old and Fancy squared off in the day’s most anticipated matchup. Unfortunately, the result remains a mystery because both teams allegedly decided to embrace the holiday spirit by engaging in an on-field caroling session instead of playing.
Reports indicate that the ref eventually awarded the game to Old and Fancy by forfeit after Chill FC’s goalkeeper refused to stop singing “Jingle Bells” long enough to resume play. While fans were disappointed by the lack of actual soccer, they were treated to a rousing rendition of “All I Want for Christmas Is Goals” by both teams.
Final Thoughts
Week 7 had everything: blowouts, bizarre moments, and even a musical interlude. With the season winding down, the playoff picture is starting to take shape, and the pressure is mounting. Can Cleats & Cleavage stay perfect? Will the Pitch Pirates ever find treasure? And will [REDACTED] figure out what they’re doing before the season ends?
One thing’s for sure: the Sunday Coed League is the gift that keeps on giving. See you next week for more drama, hilarity, and unforgettable soccer!