Ah, the Sunday Coed League at Akron Indoor Soccer: where questionable athletic prowess meets questionable team names. This week’s matchups proved once again that if you come for the soccer, you better stay for the laughs. With a lineup of teams as diverse as the results, fans were treated to everything from stunning goals to, well, stunning fails. Let’s dive into the highlights (and lowlights) from this wild Sunday slate.
A Really Bad Team (1-0) 11 – 2 Arse ‘N All (0-1) 
The name “A Really Bad Team” is either an ironic masterpiece or the most misleading moniker in the league. This group hit the pitch and played like pros, trouncing Arse ‘N All with an astounding 11-2 victory. Word on the field was that Arse ‘N All’s primary strategy—tackling anyone who looked like they might be scoring—was simply no match for A Really Bad Team’s shockingly competent offense. The game became a mini-masterclass in ball control and teamwork, with “Bad” looking pretty darn good by the final whistle. Rumor has it Arse ‘N All was last seen browsing for tutorials on “How to Soccer” while wiping away tears.
Jaguars (1-0) 9 – 6 Serb Patrol (0-1) 
The Jaguars took on Serb Patrol in what can only be described as a “festival of attempts.” The scoreboard might say 9-6, but for most of the game, it felt like a high-speed game of keep-away punctuated by a few goals. The Jaguars seemed to embrace a “shoot first, aim later” strategy, which miraculously paid off as they hit their target enough times to keep Serb Patrol at bay. Serb Patrol, for their part, did a commendable job keeping up, only faltering in the final minutes when the concept of “defense” seemed to briefly escape them. By the end, they were simply out-pounced by the ferocious Jaguars, leaving with a hard-earned loss but a newfound respect for random acts of goal-scoring.
Nameless (1-0) 10 – 7 Pitch Pirates (0-1) 
Nameless managed to secure a 10-7 win over the Pitch Pirates, who proved they could steal anything except a victory. Nameless, living up to their mysterious branding, used their anonymity as a weapon, weaving in and out of defensive lines as though they were… well, nameless. Meanwhile, the Pitch Pirates were as scrappy as any marauders of the pitch, only occasionally stopping to wonder aloud if perhaps “soccer skills” should be their next treasure. The 10-7 finish was full of twists, turns, and one particular play that involved a series of confused passes in front of Nameless’ goal that left the crowd wondering if the Pirates had accidentally swapped jerseys with their opponents.
Team Dauberman (1-0) 17 – 2 [REDACTED] 
There’s losing, and then there’s losing. It’s hard to call what [REDACTED] did “playing soccer” so much as it was “participating in a public humiliation exercise.” Team Dauberman took full advantage, delivering an utterly brutal 17-2 smackdown. Dauberman’s players seemed to score at will, slicing through [REDACTED]’s defense as if they were dodging traffic cones. Fans (and, at one point, even the referee) started counting out loud after Dauberman’s 12th goal, just to see if they could keep up with the breakneck scoring pace. [REDACTED] is expected to hold a team meeting next week to discuss the “concerning issue” of both scoring and defending.
Old and Fancy (1-0) 10 – 1 Latin@s (0-1)
Old and Fancy: the team that knows how to look good while crushing your dreams. The stately squad didn’t let their age (or love for a good cardigan) slow them down as they dismantled Latin@s 10-1. Like a fine wine, Old and Fancy only got better as the game went on, methodically racking up goals while Latin@s struggled to keep up. One spectator claimed that Old and Fancy’s goalie seemed to be finishing up a Sudoku puzzle in between the rare shots on goal. Latin@s gave it their best, but this was Old and Fancy’s game through and through. If they keep playing like this, they might just have to upgrade their name to “Elderly and Elegant.”
Wasted Talent (0-1) 4 – 10 Zubri’s (1-0) 
Wasted Talent and Zubri’s brought a mix of energy and chaos to the field, though Zubri’s ultimately took control and won 10-4. Wasted Talent’s defense was… well, wasted, and Zubri’s took full advantage. Spectators were treated to a colorful display of acrobatic saves, unexpected goals, and at least one player’s regrettable attempt to head the ball that ended in an unintentional backflip. By the end, Wasted Talent had lived up to its name, with a final score that confirmed that yes, some talent was definitely wasted here.
Un-zippers (0-1) 6 – 10 Chill FC (1-0) 
The Un-zippers took on Chill FC, though in retrospect, they might have benefited from zipping up the gaps in their defense. Chill FC lived up to their name, taking it easy while methodically racking up a 10-6 win. The Un-zippers, not to be outdone, managed to put up six points, though it was unclear if these were goals or just a result of Chill FC’s intermittent napping on defense. By the end, Chill FC jogged off the field with smiles on their faces, while the Un-zippers wandered off, hoping their defense would show up in time for next week’s game.
Final Thoughts
It was a day full of big wins, bigger losses, and enough on-field mishaps to keep the fans coming back for more. Akron Indoor Soccer’s Sunday Coed League promises more laughs and lopsided scores next week, as these teams continue their pursuit of both sporting glory and awkward post-game pizza.
Cleats & Cleavage (Bye Week)
Arse ‘N All vs Team Dauberman 
